Thursday, June 30, 2011

Reasons I think my boyfriend may actually be a dog...

....and when I say "dog", I don't mean the "He's such a dog!" way that your girlfriends use to describe all the shitheads you've dated in the past.  I'm talking specifically the "Woof woof, Ruff Ruff" kind of way.  (Side note: I almost said "bow wow" instead of "woof woof" but was afraid that might lead one to think Snoop Dogg, and my boyfriend is most definitely not Snoop D-oh-double-G).

Moving on....As I said, a few things have led me to believe he may actually be canine.

1.  He's hairy. 

Okay, he's not grizzly bear hairy, but he definitely has an excess of hair in random places (we've covered the nose hair before).  This morning, as I was gazing out of our condo enjoying the calm of the beach you can only truly appreciate before 8:00am, I watched the boy prop his feet up on the coffee table, only to catch the light on his crazy hairy toes.  Something about the sunrise and the position of the beach condo we are staying in shed light on this particularly hairy attribute, and all I can say is "wow".  Hairy toes will be addressed and taken care of before we leave this island. 

2. He chases birds.

No really, he does.  Since we are staying in a beachfront condo, I have begrudgingly dragged the boy along on my morning run along the water each day of our vacay.  It's a wonderful change from the sidewalks of Lexington, and something I will miss when we leave on Saturday.  What I will not miss is watching my boyfriend run after a flock of birds which had landed on the beach as we were doing our cool down walk.  And when I am describing this, please picture in your head, a group of birds minding their own business about 100 feet away, and a 28-year old boy who sees them and thinks "Ooooh, birds!!!" and then chases after them until they fly away.  Too bad I didn't have him on a leash.

3. He doggie paddles.

Now I know you're thinking that this one could go either way since a lot of humans doggie paddle too.  But, rest asured the boy knows how to swim.  He just chooses to doggie paddle, I guess.  I discovered early in the week that despite the fact that you can easily walk out into the ocean for about 50 feet, my boyfriend will choose to "swim" out in even half a foot of water.  Yes, I'm serious.  At one point after playing in the water for about 15 minutes, I informed him that I was heading back to the towel.  He followed suit and came back in with me.  I walked.  He swam.  At one point he said, "Hey, why aren't you waiting for me?!" and when I turned and noticed him doggie paddling in an area of water that didn't even make it up to my knees, I replied, "I don't know you" and continued walking. 

4. When I scold him, he hangs his head and mopes away.

Yes, he really does do this.  At first I thought it was him trying to be funny, but now I'm not so sure.  Even when I get on him about something silly, I get the same response...head hung, walk away.  Seriously??  I don't think asking him to put the toilet seat down when he's finished is the equivalent of "shaming" him.  Although with the way he acts about it, I guess so.  Usually I can give him a treat though, and all is forgiven again.

5.  He gets excited easily.

I swear this boy gets excited over the stupidest stuff.  And when I say excited, I mean, eyes light up, shit eating grin, and if he had a tail, it would wag.  Most recently, he got excited over discovering we could get free coozies at the Piggly Wiggly here on the island if we spent $20.  Well, we only spent $12, so I bought the thing for him anyway.  In his little canine mind, I have no doubt he was thinking, "This is the best day!!!"

6.  He referes to EVERYTHING as his "toys".

Much like a dog, everything he likes is referred to as a toy.  Be it his phone, computer, my breasts, a frisbee, an actual toy, a boat, or a ball....if he likes it, it's a toy.  Sometimes I wonder if I asked him to "Go get your toy" similar to the command I give my dog Sawyer, whether he would come back with a cell phone in his mouth. 

7.  He's always happy to see me.

This one seriously baffles me.  I've dated my fair share of men...nice guys, not so nice guys, nerds, assholes, etc.  You name it, I've dated it.  None of them ever seemed genuinely happy to see me EVERY time I came into their presence.  Even when I'm moody and mean and not all that fun to be around, he still seams happy to just lay next to me and look at me, or try out all his best tricks to get me to smile.  This quality I think is the one that seals it for me.  He is most definitely a dog.  If we actually lived together, I wouldn't be surprised to come home to him waiting at the door, tail wagging, drooling, ready to jump on me and in his canine way say, "I've missed you so much!  I'm so happy you're home!  I love you!  This is the best day!"  

I rest my case.


So what you do or dog? 


Rachel said...

Oh mah word. You're on to something here.
Now... Can you decide which breed yours is? What dog is handsome, sweet & loyal but a little goofy & clumsy? That's what I'm training. Ha!

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