Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What I'm LOVING Wednesday :-)

Okay, so I haven't done one of these before, and I feel like to be a true blogger, I gotta give it up for here be what I'm l-o-v-i-n-g right now....enjoy.

Numero Uno....Five Oaks Wine.

Not only is it 100% delicious, but they sell it at the Rite-Aid about 100 yards away from my front door.  Oh, and did I mention it is 2 for $6.50 (yep, $3.25 a bottle).  Today I picked up a bottle of Shiraz and Pinot Grigio where I am now enjoying it on my back patio as I write this inagural WILW post.  Now I can be the alcoholic I always wanted to be at a reasonable price. 

Next up....I'm LOVING anything by David Thorne...

Please tell me you've heard of some of his work.  I die laughing everytime I pull these up.  Anytime you're having a bad day, just check out these musings...there's tons of them, but I've listed my top 3 below. 

Okay fine, one more....

This guys stuff is legitimately roll out of your seat, forward the email funny.  Missing Missy kills me everytime...for serious.

Tres...racer back tanks and tops or just about anything with a sexy back detail.  If anyone was curious what my summer style is...this would be it.  I am drawn to anything that is backless or has a cool back detail or that shows off the back.  Especially in summer when it's hot and you're hair is up and it's all about the earrings and your tan...Here's a few I'm loving... excited am I that they FINALLY have a Francesca's in Lexington....yay!!

Numba four....3 day weekends (or in my case, 4-day weekends)....yes!!!!  Memorial day offically kicks off summer, and I don't know about you, but I am needing some TLC.  I took Friday off because me and they boy are heading to Louisville for Zac Brown Band Friday night (another thing I'm loving at the moment!).  Then we are off to Lake Cumberland for boating, camping, and general debauchery.  Ummm, yes please! 

Oh, and for anyone who didn't know....

Lastly.....I am LOVING this song.....

It came on my iPod when I hit shuffle today as me and K were eating dinner on the back patio.  It just makes me happy and it's the perfect summer relaxation song....and a good reminder to not get caught up in all the day-to-day garbage that brings up down....enjoy!

So, that's all for now...happy hump-day and have a wonderful and safe Memorial Day weekend!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Thank God for U-Scan...

Do you ever have those moments walking through the grocery store when you look down at your cart or your basket and realize the items you are buying are completely ridiculous?  This happens to me on a regular basis.  Due to the fact that I live about 45 seconds away from Kroger, I find myself there a minimum of two times a week, usually just running in to grab 2 or 3 items.  I know you may be wondering why I don't just go once a week and get everything I need...well that would be way too easy and save me way too much time.  But more importantly, it would prevent me from the grocery store "walk-of-shame" that I so look forward to when I bring my items to the register.  All I have to say is THANK GOD for U-Scan.  For realz.

Because I have no shame, I will share with you a brief list of things I have gone to Kroger to buy in the last year....

  • Dog food and Cole Slaw (last night actually)
  • Tampons and Ice Cream (if this doesn't scream "don't cut me in line or I will cut you because I am PMSing" I don't know what does)
  • Cat litter and Gas-X (ummm....yeah)
  • Cat food and butter (I have no doubt shoppers watching me check out were thinking "There goes the old cat lady, on her way home to eat a tub of butter and feed her 27 cats")
  • Tampons, cat litter, ice cream, and a Cosmo magazine (this purchase actually required an accompanying text to mom, sister and girlfriends to let them know I was officially a pathetic loser)
  • Pepto-Bismol (okay, not so bad, but it was at about 11:00pm on a Friday much for 'date night')
  • Monistat and Margarita Mix (hey, I said I had no shame...)
  • Jumbo 24 pack of toilet paper and a package of gum (because I don't want my mouth to be jealous of how clean my bum
  • And finally....condoms and a scented candle (sorry mom)....and it should be noted that at Kroger, you have to ask the pharmacist to unlock these goodies from the case only adding to your shame.
So there you have it...when I say "the un-fabulous life...." I really mean it.  I won't even get into the fact that there is a Kroger Wine & Spirits right next to me as well...I may or may not have woken up from a nap and gone there in my pajamas, slippers and sleep lines (for serious) on my face to buy a bottle of or eight times....but that's neither here nor there....

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The 4 C's....

No, I'm not talking about diamonds (sad face)....I'm talking about the real 4 C's...the one's I know well.  Too well. 

Cookies.  Candy.  Cake.  Chocolate.

I love them.  I hate them.  I want them.  Damnit I hate them again!

Here's the point, folks...I have a sweet tooth.  A big one.  It's to the point where I cannot keep sweets in the house at all.  Or else this happens....

....please tell me someone else has experienced this kind of shame before and I'm not alone.  On a daily basis I find myself silently (and sometimes not so silently) cursing the universe for not being born one of those stick figure girls who can eat anything.  I have to work really hard to maintain my physique and to be honest it still needs a lot of work!  Ugh!

Don't get me wrong...I do enjoy a splurge meal every now and then or a cup (okay maybe a bucket) of Orange Leaf here and there, but anything beyond that becomes a problem.  I have NO self control. Enter the reason why I cannot keep sweets in the house.

I continue to be amazed by people who have this whole "self-control" thing figured out.  Take my friend Whitney, for example.  Everytime I go to her house, she has either a bowl of Starburst Jelly Beans or a package of Peppermint Patties that never seem to deplete!  How does she do this??????  It's not even my house and within a minute and a half of being there I have consumed 2 handfuls.  What is wrong with me??  These things wouldn't last two days in my presence.  Okay, who am I kidding....they wouldn't last an hour. 

Even my boyfriend has this hideous "self control" trait as well.  He has (literally) bags of candy and chocolate sitting at his place that he NEVER touches!  Seriously, I didn't even know chocolate had the ability to go bad until I met him and dug into a bag of m&ms he had in his kitchen.  They were that old.  WTF?  I guess in my presence chocolate never gets a chance to go bad.  The first thing I do when I walk into his house is get a piece of really, just ask him.  In my head, I've even started referring to his place as "the place where I go to get fat".  For realz.

On rare occasions I do rationalize a 4 C's purchase at the grocery store but almost always in single servings.  A few weeks ago I had a root canal and decided that I "needed" an entire gallon of frozen yogurt at the house to get me through it.  Ummmmmm.....well I'm not sure what happened, but I must have blacked out because when I came to, the gallon was half gone and I had to dispose of it in the outside garbage so as not to continue down the path of self-shame and finish the rest. 

Take the below sequence of events, for example. 

Let's all have some cake!

Mmmm...cake is yummy...

Hey can you all keep it down, I'm trying to eat my cake...notice everyone has backed away from the cake now...I probably growled at them like a dog when someone gets too close to his food bowl.

Finally came up for a breather...but wait....

Apparently not done with the eating of the cake...if this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is....

So there's the proof...chocolate is my lover and cake is my mistress.  Feel free to check me into the Betty Crocker Clinic right alongside Miranda Hobbs....

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Hurricane Kelli

There's a hurricane a-comin' and her name is Kelli.  No matter how much warning you have, you can never quite prepare yourself for the impact she will have.  Secure your doors and windows and hunker down because she's fierce and strong and there's no stopping her from ripping through your house and painting and distressing all your furniture (and while she's at it, re-arranging it too).  That's right folks, she's my mom....and this blog is all about her. 

Most of you reading this blog know her is some way or another, but very few know her the way me and my siblings get to experience her on a daily basis.  I find this quite unfortunate.  While about 75% of the behavior from this woman causes me to scratch my head or roll my eyes, there's something unique-ly "Mom" about the silly and ridiculous things she does.  So, in honor of Mother's Day and her birthday coming up on May 18, I put together a short list of Kelli-isms....enjoy.

  • Whether it's a wall, a mirror, a piece of furniture, the floor, or even the fireplace, Mom never met one of those that she didn't feel compelled to paint, distress, antique, and then do it all again a year later when she needs a change.
  • No matter how many times you go to my parents' house, you will never visit the same house twice.  It has become common occurance to come home for a weekend and walk in on a furniture-moving party where all the furniture in the living room is going into the den (after, of course being painted and distressed once again) and all the furniture from the den in going into the sun room, and all the furniture in the sun room is going on the roof.  I frankly can't keep track.  You never know what you will be walking into.
  •  It's not's "yuge".  That's how mom says it anyways.  It's not uncommon for her to come home and say something like, "The neighbors are having a yuge yard sale....let's stop by later and find some furniture to paint and distress."
  •  Mom eats chips/crackers by putting both her thumb and index finger in her mouth, along with the chip.  Seriously.  It's mind-boggling to watch.  Why doesn't just the chip go in?  Does it taste better with fingers?  Questions I may never know the answers to.
  • Ask mom who sings the song "A Little Respect"...(note: while most would quickly answer that the band Erasure sings that song, you (along with the rest of the world) would be wrong.  According to Mom, Yer-a-sure sings it.)
  • And speaking of songs, mom has a knack for butchering all songs on the radio.  She may think she knows the words (and the tune for that matter) to the latest hit song on the radio, but I promise you she does not.  Make not mistake though, if you find yourself trapped in a car with her at any point, she will still sing along with every song that comes on, making up the parts she doesn't know as she goes along.
  • Mom will warmly wake you up in the morning at a very early hour by putting on her highest heals and stomping up and down the hardwood floor outside your room.  If she thinks you need a little extra help getting up, she will add in a loud, phone conversation with one of her sisters or any members of her dinner club during this morning march.
  • Watching mom run is another mind-boggling experience.  Every part of your rational mind will tell you that the way her body is moving should not be propelling her forward, but somehow it does.  I can't explain it. :)
  •  Mom needs bright red lipstick for everything, including yardwork, emotional outbursts, emailing, driving to the grocery, driving anywhere, going to work, going to church, going anywhere, and I suspect going to bed as well.  As she would say "It just feels right."
  • Speaking of lipstick, if you let Mom borrow any lip-product of yours (including chapstick, lipgloss, or your $45 new lip pallete from Bobbi Brown) it will always be returned to you covered in red lipstick or completely ruined.  Usually it's both.
  • Electronics go to mom to die.  Plain and simple.  Be it a camera, a cell phone, a laptop computer, or an iPod, give mom and hour with it and it will never work the same again, if at all.  RIP.
  • When mom tries on clothes, she does this special little dance where she looks at herself in the mirror, squints her eyes, sucks her cheeks in, and tilts her head.  Usually there is a foot movement here too where she pops one leg behind the other.  It all somehow allows her to better see herself in the clothes.
  •  It's really fun to pants Mom...I suspect this will remain funny even when she is in her 90's.
  • Every piece of casual clothing Mom owns has paint or bleach on it.  Don't bother buying her more to replace the ones that are ruined because she will ruin the new ones too...very quickly.
  • Mom will call you 8 consecutive times while you are at work, in a meeting, sleeping, or in the middle of any kind of task which prohibits you from answering your phone.  When you call her back, knowing that she must have called you so many times to inform you that someone is dead or seriously injured, she will say she was just calling to "check in".  Usually she follows this up by rushing off the phone within 30 seconds because she's "getting buzzed" (i.e., call waiting).
  • Mom will be at least 15 to 30 minutes late to any and everything.  Just deal with it.
  • She will call you from anywhere and everywhere to inform you that she has just met your future husband.  Usually this ends up being the strange goofy-looking guy that waited on them at lunch or checked her out at the grocery store. 
  • Mom never stops moving.  Seriously.  In my 27 years, I think I can count the number of times of my two hands that I have seen her sit down.  Okay, that's an exageration maybe...but seriously, the woman is like the energizer bunny.  She will work all day, come home, scrub all the floors and bathrooms, pull weeds in the backyard, make a gourmet dinner, clean the kitchen, and then top the night off with some furniture painting.  On rare occasions when she does relax, you can almost hear her body silently thanking her.
  • The bitch knows how to entertain...let's just leave it at that
  • When she arrives at your house (or her house for that matter) and she looks at you and says, "What's wrong with this picture?" the correct answer is always, "You don't have a glass of wine in your hand" get the woman a glass of wine for goodness sake...she hasn't sat down in 10 years!

I good seriously go on and on with the Kelli-isms....but I won't.  For anyone that has had the priveledge to know my mom or grow up with her, consider yourself lucky.  She's the life of the party and the hardest worker I know.  I think most would agree that my mom is the first person you call when you need a favor, are in a bind, or need some good advice.  One thing that frustrates me endlessly sometimes is the amount the projects and things that Mom commits herself to.  Sometimes you have to book her weeks in advance!  But truthfully that just shows how giving she is of her time, talents, and her friendship.  And frustrating as it may be, I know she'll always drop everything to come take care of me when I'm sick or sad, or having a rotten day.  She's the center of our family, and we all orbit around her....and I feel confident none of us would have it any other way. 

I have one final request to anyone reading this post who knows my mom...please leave a comment and let me know your own Kelli-ism if you have one or leave a little note about why my mom is special to you.  And to all the mothers out there....HAPPY MOTHER's DAY! 

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Chocolate

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