Sunday, May 8, 2011

Hurricane Kelli

There's a hurricane a-comin' and her name is Kelli.  No matter how much warning you have, you can never quite prepare yourself for the impact she will have.  Secure your doors and windows and hunker down because she's fierce and strong and there's no stopping her from ripping through your house and painting and distressing all your furniture (and while she's at it, re-arranging it too).  That's right folks, she's my mom....and this blog is all about her. 

Most of you reading this blog know her is some way or another, but very few know her the way me and my siblings get to experience her on a daily basis.  I find this quite unfortunate.  While about 75% of the behavior from this woman causes me to scratch my head or roll my eyes, there's something unique-ly "Mom" about the silly and ridiculous things she does.  So, in honor of Mother's Day and her birthday coming up on May 18, I put together a short list of Kelli-isms....enjoy.

  • Whether it's a wall, a mirror, a piece of furniture, the floor, or even the fireplace, Mom never met one of those that she didn't feel compelled to paint, distress, antique, and then do it all again a year later when she needs a change.
  • No matter how many times you go to my parents' house, you will never visit the same house twice.  It has become common occurance to come home for a weekend and walk in on a furniture-moving party where all the furniture in the living room is going into the den (after, of course being painted and distressed once again) and all the furniture from the den in going into the sun room, and all the furniture in the sun room is going on the roof.  I frankly can't keep track.  You never know what you will be walking into.
  •  It's not's "yuge".  That's how mom says it anyways.  It's not uncommon for her to come home and say something like, "The neighbors are having a yuge yard sale....let's stop by later and find some furniture to paint and distress."
  •  Mom eats chips/crackers by putting both her thumb and index finger in her mouth, along with the chip.  Seriously.  It's mind-boggling to watch.  Why doesn't just the chip go in?  Does it taste better with fingers?  Questions I may never know the answers to.
  • Ask mom who sings the song "A Little Respect"...(note: while most would quickly answer that the band Erasure sings that song, you (along with the rest of the world) would be wrong.  According to Mom, Yer-a-sure sings it.)
  • And speaking of songs, mom has a knack for butchering all songs on the radio.  She may think she knows the words (and the tune for that matter) to the latest hit song on the radio, but I promise you she does not.  Make not mistake though, if you find yourself trapped in a car with her at any point, she will still sing along with every song that comes on, making up the parts she doesn't know as she goes along.
  • Mom will warmly wake you up in the morning at a very early hour by putting on her highest heals and stomping up and down the hardwood floor outside your room.  If she thinks you need a little extra help getting up, she will add in a loud, phone conversation with one of her sisters or any members of her dinner club during this morning march.
  • Watching mom run is another mind-boggling experience.  Every part of your rational mind will tell you that the way her body is moving should not be propelling her forward, but somehow it does.  I can't explain it. :)
  •  Mom needs bright red lipstick for everything, including yardwork, emotional outbursts, emailing, driving to the grocery, driving anywhere, going to work, going to church, going anywhere, and I suspect going to bed as well.  As she would say "It just feels right."
  • Speaking of lipstick, if you let Mom borrow any lip-product of yours (including chapstick, lipgloss, or your $45 new lip pallete from Bobbi Brown) it will always be returned to you covered in red lipstick or completely ruined.  Usually it's both.
  • Electronics go to mom to die.  Plain and simple.  Be it a camera, a cell phone, a laptop computer, or an iPod, give mom and hour with it and it will never work the same again, if at all.  RIP.
  • When mom tries on clothes, she does this special little dance where she looks at herself in the mirror, squints her eyes, sucks her cheeks in, and tilts her head.  Usually there is a foot movement here too where she pops one leg behind the other.  It all somehow allows her to better see herself in the clothes.
  •  It's really fun to pants Mom...I suspect this will remain funny even when she is in her 90's.
  • Every piece of casual clothing Mom owns has paint or bleach on it.  Don't bother buying her more to replace the ones that are ruined because she will ruin the new ones too...very quickly.
  • Mom will call you 8 consecutive times while you are at work, in a meeting, sleeping, or in the middle of any kind of task which prohibits you from answering your phone.  When you call her back, knowing that she must have called you so many times to inform you that someone is dead or seriously injured, she will say she was just calling to "check in".  Usually she follows this up by rushing off the phone within 30 seconds because she's "getting buzzed" (i.e., call waiting).
  • Mom will be at least 15 to 30 minutes late to any and everything.  Just deal with it.
  • She will call you from anywhere and everywhere to inform you that she has just met your future husband.  Usually this ends up being the strange goofy-looking guy that waited on them at lunch or checked her out at the grocery store. 
  • Mom never stops moving.  Seriously.  In my 27 years, I think I can count the number of times of my two hands that I have seen her sit down.  Okay, that's an exageration maybe...but seriously, the woman is like the energizer bunny.  She will work all day, come home, scrub all the floors and bathrooms, pull weeds in the backyard, make a gourmet dinner, clean the kitchen, and then top the night off with some furniture painting.  On rare occasions when she does relax, you can almost hear her body silently thanking her.
  • The bitch knows how to entertain...let's just leave it at that
  • When she arrives at your house (or her house for that matter) and she looks at you and says, "What's wrong with this picture?" the correct answer is always, "You don't have a glass of wine in your hand" get the woman a glass of wine for goodness sake...she hasn't sat down in 10 years!

I good seriously go on and on with the Kelli-isms....but I won't.  For anyone that has had the priveledge to know my mom or grow up with her, consider yourself lucky.  She's the life of the party and the hardest worker I know.  I think most would agree that my mom is the first person you call when you need a favor, are in a bind, or need some good advice.  One thing that frustrates me endlessly sometimes is the amount the projects and things that Mom commits herself to.  Sometimes you have to book her weeks in advance!  But truthfully that just shows how giving she is of her time, talents, and her friendship.  And frustrating as it may be, I know she'll always drop everything to come take care of me when I'm sick or sad, or having a rotten day.  She's the center of our family, and we all orbit around her....and I feel confident none of us would have it any other way. 

I have one final request to anyone reading this post who knows my mom...please leave a comment and let me know your own Kelli-ism if you have one or leave a little note about why my mom is special to you.  And to all the mothers out there....HAPPY MOTHER's DAY! 


Anonymous said...

Ok - I seriously laughed out loud multiple times reading this. I love your mom - she's always been great. I think the parts about furniture and the heels/phone conversation in the morning are the best parts above. Sleeping in when we were in high school at your house was usually out of the question. Anyway - love you Kelli! Happy Mother's Day!! PS - are the curtains you want to hang in my house available yet, because I'm getting a new couch soon, and maybe repainting a lighter color... I could use some new ones ;)
~Sarah Minnis

KBroaddus said...

My favorite Kelli-ism would be when she purses her lips together and agrees with your comment with "mmmhhhmm, oh yeah sister!" :). Kathryn

PinkLouLou said...

Oh my goodness. I want to meet Kelli! You are adorably, fantastic writing my dear!

Tonya Bordy said...

My own special kelli-ism:

In the middle of a Training and Nurture meeting at church a few months ago, in the middle of, I believe, a discussion of prayer requests/praises, Kelli grabbed my phone and said, "Oh my gosh. I am so sorry but I just have to clean your phone." SO like her and SO funny! Trust me, I will never apply make-up in the car on the way to Training and Nurture meetings again and then talk on the phone without cleaning it off and sitting beside Kelli!!! Lesson LEARNED!

Seriously, I love your blog, Taryn and I love your mom!!

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