Good Wife's Guide - 2012 Edition

I think by now most of us have at one time or another seen the 1950's article, The good wife's guide, that was published in a 1950s issue of Good Housekeeping....gag me, I know.  While it's kind of funny to go back and re-read those silly articles from back then, I think it's about time that I made a few edits to those old school rules...you know to keep up with the times.  So, without further ado, here is my 2012 version of The good wife's guide.

1955 Rule: Have dinner ready.  Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return.  This is a way of letting him know that you've been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2012 Rule:  Have a drink ready.  Plan ahead and make sure you have his favorite cheap bourbon fully stocked.  This is a way of letting him know that you're planning on getting sauced, and it's more fun if he's drinking too.

1955 Rule: Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

2012 Rule: Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to survey the house for things he was supposed to clean/put away before work but forgot.  Put on sweatpants and get comfy.  You've had a long day with work-weary people and you're ready to yell at someone.

1955 Rule: Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

2012 Rule: Be a little gay and more interesting for him.  He'll be eager to discuss the latest drama at your office, facebook politics, and any other gossip you may have picked up on during your day.  He's been with other professionals all day and could use a break from "work talk" to discuss your day.

1955 Rule: Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

2012 Rule: Clear away the dishes he left in the sink from breakfast.  Make a mental note to condescendingly remind him how the dishwasher works in case he needs a refresher.

1955 Rule: Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a cloth over the tables.

2012 Rule:  Gather up all the shit he owns that you don't like and throw it away before he gets home.  Run through his drawers and grab up old boxers, t-shirts, and socks he insists on wearing, despite being riddled with holes.  Throw those away too.

1955 Rule: Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.  Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.  After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

2012 Rule: Over the cooler months, prepare a basket of your favorite lotions and leave them in the main room of the house.  Your husband will know that this is a haven of rest for your tired feet and he would do well to massage them.  After all, watching him cater to your comfort will provide you an immense amount of personal satisfaction.

1955 Rule: Prepare the children.  Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.  Minimize all noise.  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all the noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

2012 Rule: Prepare the dogs.  Send your husband a warning message letting him know they've been barking their heads off all night and their allergies are causing their eyes to profusely drip.  Let him know you're exhausted and it's his responsibility to deal with them when he gets home.
 
1955 Rule: Be happy to see him.

2012 Rule:  Be happy to see him, but let him know he's already on thin ice.

1955 Rule: Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

2012 Rule:  Greet him with a warm smile that lets him know if he plays his cards right, you may consider letting him have the sexy time. 

1955 Rule: Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

2012 Rule: Listen to him.  You may have a dozen things to nag him about, but it's important to let him talk first as this allows you to not only build up your case against him, but ensures you'll also have the last word.

1955 Rule: Make the evening his.  Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

2012 Rule: Make him think the evening is his.  You'll both know it's really not.  Allow him to go out with friends for wings and beer...for a price.  Use this as leverage to get something else you want. 

1955 Rule: Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

2012 Rule: Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace, order and tranquility so your husband knows just how good he has it with you.

1955 Rule: Don't greet him with complaints or problems.

2012 Rule:  Don't greet him with complaints and problems - he will be well aware of them before he gets home due to your text messages/tweets/facebook posts.

1955 Rule: Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.  Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

2012 Rule: Don't complain if he stays out all night.  Your silence will scare him more than anything, and it will be minor compared to the punishment you'll have in store for him

1955 Rule: Make him comfortable.  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

2012 Rule: Make him comfortable.  Let him relax on the couch and enjoy a drink or two before you ask for a back massage.

1955 Rule: Arrange his pillows and offer to take his shoes.  Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice.

2012 Rule: Arrange the pillows and blankets on the couch for your comfort.  Offer to take the remote from him if he doesn't change the f'ing TV to something other than Sports Center.  Speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant tone so he doesn't accuse you of being "bitchy."

1955 Rule: Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity.  Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him

2012 Rule:  Don't ask him questions about his internet browser history, and in turn he probably won't ask you about the new dress hanging in the closet, or how much the bag full of fall scented Bath & Body Works candles you just brought home was.  He knows you're the master of the house, and you will always exercise your will with fairness...probably if you're feeling like it.  He has no right to question you...or your credit card statement.

1955 Rule: A good wife always knows her place.

2012 Rule: A good wife always lets her husband know his place.